Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I love having hate sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
