one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
