Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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