His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
