I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
