Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
