Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
