I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
