Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
