I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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