there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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