not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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