The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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