Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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