I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I need a beard to bite.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
