Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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