Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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