yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
