my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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