And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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