youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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