He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
