I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
