There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Swine flu. Run for my life!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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