I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
