I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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