I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
