i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
