I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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