and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I faked an abortion last night.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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