Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
