how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
