Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
