New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
