at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i came on her dog
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
