The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
