even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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