Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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