so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
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No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wear drunk well.
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