dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
