something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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