90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
