When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
