Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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