I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
