I can text with my tongue
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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