If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
