If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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