At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
