there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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