I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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