i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
