my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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