I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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