I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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