Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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